When do I get to call myself a writer?
When will I feel that I have earned that title, that moniker?
I write, I write everyday (more or less – okay often less). And I am working on a novel, like really working on one. Not in the bragging way some millennial hipster professes over pints at the uni tav. It’s not just an idea, or a lofty ambition. It’s real, as real as a hundred-page word document anyway. And yet, I still feel the word Writer catch in the back of my throat whenever I attempt to utter it.
I do not get paid to write. It is not a ‘job’. It is simply what I do. It’s what I’ve always done, even before anyone was reading what I wrote (not that many people do now, mind you). Books and stories are my greatest joy and I just want to indulge in them, forever. I never want my creativity to bare the burden of supporting me financially. Yet, a part of me feels that if it did, then I’d feel justified in calling myself a writer. It would feel more legitimate, as if the only way to justify any creative pursuit in our stage of capitalism is for it to fulfil some monetary function. How many friends have I seen turn a hobby into a “side-hustle”. We do not have leisure, or creative passions. We have constant grinding to supplement an often-inadequate income. But, I digress.
Writing is not really a hobby either. It is not a fun way I attempt to pass the time, or a simple indulgence. That feels too diminutive a term. It is almost insulting. Almost. Writing is a fundamental part of me. It forms the basis for how I see the world, how I understand it, how I exist within it. And writing isn’t always fun, or easy. It is often hard. It is torturous even. And yet it’s the thing I simply can’t not do. The most desperate times of my life can all be marked by the common lack of writing – I’m not saying that correlation is necessarily causation, but I have my suspicions.
I would write, and have written, even if I am the only person that reads it. I do not need an audience (although I would be lying if I said I didn't want one). I am now confident enough and brazen enough to share my writing. My partner reads everything I write. He is part editor-part-cheerleader. My perfect audience of one. And that's exactly it, I will do this damned thing even if I only have an audience of one, or no audience at all.
So, if the thing I have to do is write, and I understand the world as a writer, then why am I reticent to own the title of writer?
Do I need external validation? What kind? And from who?
Do I have to wait until I’m published, do I have to wait until I am bestowed the title of writer? Can’t I just take it? Snatch it from the heads of the literary giants upon whose shoulders I stand.
Ultimately, I think this is actually about meaning and identity. I believe that the ways in which we forge meaning through our lives and find identities is a personal and sacred experience. The identities we find, the ones that affirm our understanding of the world and our place within it, are entirely our own. We do not need to justify them. They do not need to be validated. We alone hold the power, we must validate our own identities, whether it is queer pride, or disability advocacy, or anything else. Be who you are, who you chose to be.
So, I guess what I’m really trying to say is – I am a writer (hear me roar).