I don't know if I believe in god

a poem

I don’t know if I believe in god,
or the universe, 
or some divine guiding spirit
        or whatever passes for faith nowadays

But my Nan did
I would sit on the kitchen bench
right next to the sink
my little legs swinging
as she washed and sang
       only a little off key

Her god was not found in the stale quiet of churches
Her god was found at kitchen tables
	and in flower beds
cultivated with coarse and steady hands

Communion was an open table, 
an open home, 
        an open heart

I don’t know if I believe in god
But sometimes
	just sometimes
I swear I am touching the divine

It is there in my lover’s eyes
The way I lose the edges of myself 
	in our embrace

It is there in the chorus of my friend’s laughter
That comes so freely
         and sounds like seraphim song

It is there on winter afternoons
When the sun dares to shine
	and warm my face

It is there in the slow unfurling
Of sunflowers
	in spring

It is there in the meandering path
And the tireless work
	of the humble bumblebee

I don't know if I believe in god
But I want to believe in something
That we are not condemned to a meaningless existence 
	On this spinning rock floating through space

Where our pain 
is just pain
        and the dark night of the soul
	        is just darkness

I don't know if I believe in god
But I want too