A prelude to winter

Rain falls hard. Streaking the dirty window. There is a slate grey sky. It was blue only an hour ago. It was hot too, 32 degrees - I was sweating in my jeans. Peeling them off to reveal that the too tight waistband had indented the soft skin of my stomach. I traced the red maze of marks with my fingertips. The movement slow and lingering, raising goose bumps on my skin.

The light in the room has changed with the gloom. A prelude. The quality of the light is cool, grey. Showing things as they are – too real, too harsh. I sit pooled in the warm lamp light, softer - forgiving. Facing the window. Eyes invariably drawn back, and back again. View obscured by the rooftops, and rain. Pulling my feet beneath me, I sit on them. Making them go numb. Enjoying the ache. Forcing thumbs into the arch, blood flowing back, feeling too.

There is a flash of pink from the puddle of black fur curled on the bed. Tongue licking. And licking. Tail flicking. Paw swipe-swipe-swiping clean. Ears prick, swing like satellite dish. Point at me. Listen to the scrap of porcelain. Now I use a saucer, never having understood its purpose before. Grandmother always quietly furious, head shaking, muttering disapproval. Would she be happy now? Never happy. I am not good at happy - how to find it, keep it, bestow it.

Cupping the steaming mug, I blow, then sip. Tentative. Too soon. Too impatient. Waiting. I sip and sip again, blow and blow again. Tongue hot. Mouth humming. The road noise is transformed. The wet asphalt, wet rubber. The movement louder. Machine progress distorted. Like waves, I think. The unceasing crashing of waves. One after another, after another, after another. Some too soon, lapping at the one before. Disharmony, arrhythmia.

The door is open. Fly screen broken, ripped. So little between. Inside, out. Them, me.

So close, yet not. Burrowing in deep. Winter will come. Too late. Too soon. Always coming.

Below is a playlist to accompany the above piece, cause who doesn’t love a mixtape.

This post is part of a community writing project by Caravan Writers Collective. A huge thank you to

Holly Starley

for inviting me along for the ride!